Imagine a little girl who’s given a coat that belonged to her mother. It’s too big and too heavy, but she’s told, “This is what good girls wear.” She wears it because she’s told she has to and she learns at the same time that if she doesn’t, she’s not a “good girl.” By adulthood, the coat is tattered, no longer warm but it’s still heavy. It doesn’t serve her needs, yet she wears it still. No one ever told her she could take it off.
Anxiety is the weight of wearing a coat that was never meant for you to carry forever.
Good-hearted women tend to carry these hand-me-down coats more than anyone else. You were raised to be agreeable and self-sacrificing. So, when your wants contradict a “should,” anxiety appears instantly. But anxiety isn’t trying to punish you, even though it may feel like it. It’s trying to alert you.
It’s saying: “You’re still following someone else’s rules and not your own.”
At its core, emotional anxiety is the internal conflict between what we want to do and what we feel we should do or are supposed to do. “Should” is one of the most damaging words in the English language. It creates guilt, shame, and anxiety; none of which you deserve.
My coaching focuses on empowering women, and emotional anxiety is one of the most worrying emotions you experience. It makes many women feel like something is wrong with them and it can be paralyzing. Emotional anxiety is simple to understand when broken down, yet complex in its origin.
The keys to dealing with emotional anxiety begin with understanding two truths: Anxiety is not a flaw or a weakness in you. And it is one of the most important emotional signals we have.
We unwittingly continue to live by “shoulds” long after childhood. We needed them then but adult women never need “should” because you already live by your code of kindness, consideration, and compassion. “Shoulds” exist for the self-centered; that’s not you.
The remedy isn’t to suppress the anxiety or shame yourself for feeling it; it’s to listen to it and understand that it’s not the enemy. It’s the messenger. Becoming aware of the origin is my start to guiding clients through the transition into true empowerment and into freedom.
Think of anxiety like a smoke alarm. The alarm itself isn’t the fire; its purpose is to get your attention so you can understand what’s burning. Emotional anxiety works the same way. It signals that you need to follow your own rules and your own code … fully and solely.
Anxiety is that little girl, all grown up, still fearing trouble if she stops wearing that coat. We all wear the coats from our childhood, whether we realize it or not, and until we allow ourselves to shed them, the weight makes us small and tired.
Feel the freedom of ridding yourself of that coat; your good heart is all you need for warmth. You deserve to be the she you were meant to be.
